At one time I assumed that all of my friends were close friends – and why not? The more the merrier right?

In the last year I have reviewed my own definition of friendship, which helped me (and now my clients) understand that a ‘close’ friend doesn’t necessarily mean ALL friends and family are truly close friends.

My Own Story of Friendship Discovery:

In a therapy session of my own we tackled friendships.  I was having a hard time differentiating between who were my close friends and who were by definition just friends.  I was suffering so many vulnerability hangovers  and spending too much of my own energy where it wasn’t fully appreciated.  I was emotionally exhausted from my own inner conflict of friendships. 

In digging further into my situation we reviewed by own personal definition of what a friendship is/was – ‘What did I need in a friend? What do I offer as a friend?  And we questioned if I was getting back what I was giving out?’

My Definition of Close Friend:

In the session I outlined that I needed a friend is who is willing to give as much as I am, a friendship means showing up (mentally and physically), it means trust, honesty, and respect and above all love.  The list of what I needed was quite long – and it should be.  I should be picky about who are my close friends (we all should).

The next step of our discussion was turn it around – do all these qualities show up in my all of my friendships, are my ‘friendships’ providing me as much as I am giving? And if not – Why?

Were all my friends by my own definition close friends?  

I left my session with so much spinning around in my head and in my heart.  I want to be friends with everyone of course, but that may not be a good thing for me…and for them.  Much like any relationship – it needs to be equal at times.

Lessons Learned:

• I can’t be close friends with everyone – darnit!
• My circle of close friends is actually a lot smaller than I thought. 
• The people in my close circle are the ones I am okay to be vulnerable with, there is no judgement, only support and love.
• I have gone through some major vulnerability hang-overs in my life, which I can now trace back to my over sharing, and the aftereffects of feeling shame and judgement. 
• I have lots of my own work to do on boundaries.
• I love my friends – all of them! These are still people I will truly care for and I consider good friends – but that doesn’t mean I have to give all of myself to them – and I can’t /won’t expect them to give themselves all to me. 
  

Client Story – Let’s call her Jill:

I have been working with one of my clients a lot of their own definition of friendship – friends vs close friends.  It has been a topic we cover often recently as she is re-evaluating where her friends and family fall within her own definition.  She was feeling she was giving out way more than she was giving back.

During our discussions she ended up removing a large portion of her ‘friends’ from her inner circle. This was not an easy task, and mentally it was very exhausting.  She came to the realization she was investing so much in her friends — she was using up more energy that she had to give. 

Much like any breakup – the heart ache with walking away from perceived close friendship that you thought was ‘true’ is so hard and emotional.  She went through a loss – her heart was hurting…and so was mine for her.  However, she continually looked to her definition of a close friend to see how important it was for her to worry about her right now and spend the energy on her close friends.

My client is feeling a little alone now due to the perception there are less people in her inner circle, but she is stronger than ever.  She was worried about the ‘count’ of friends, vs. the quality of friendships.

Moving forward she is focusing on finding and building friendships that align with her requirements.  She is setting boundaries, so she can avoid her own vulnerability hangovers.

Lessons:

• We don’t need x count of friends, we need just one….two or more is great too….but starting with one TRUE close friend is much healthier than 10 ‘just’ friends. 
• Your energy is valuable – spend it wisely…and on you!
• The work Jill is going through is not easy – it is very emotional and very challenging. 
• Jill knows she will come out stronger and more empowered in herself.  Her energy will spent where it should be – on her close friends and on herself.

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To support the Friend vs. Close Friend discussion I walked Jill through the these steps:

1. Defining Friendship to YOU.
2. Listing what YOU need in a Friendship.  And – What are YOU offering as a close Friend.
3. Listing all Family and Friends that you have considered as friends.
4. Reviewing/Reflecting how your friends and family align with your definition of a close friend.
5. Assigning your list to the areas of Close Friends, Friends, and Acquaintances.
6. Setting Boundaries – understanding the practices of setting boundaries.
7. Future thinking – Keeping mindful.

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YOUR Call to Action: I can coach you through the same exercise I have gone through.   Drop me an email and let’s start working together.  Let’s focus on YOU.  

Check out Brené Brown’s Ted Talk on Vulnerability – she beautiful nails what a vulnerability hangover is, and how she too experiences them.

Ted Talk

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Thank you for your time – it is much appreciated.

Jen – jen@blankslatecoaching.ca