How Yelling is NOT actually a Successful Leadership Communication Tactic

I bet you can think of at least ONE time in your career that you have heard about or witnessed Leaders who Yell – or yelling at you?

PSA: No one at work should be yelling!

Of course this is not normal (or is it?), and for sure not acceptable (right?), and yet there are millions of stories of this type of behavior happening in the work place.

BS Reasoning for Leaders who Yell

I am racking my brain 🤔for some justification of when this could be okay. All I have come up with is:

• There is a Fire🔥 and you need to get out of the building
• A Balloon🎈Popped and they screamed (yes I have done this – Benny??), or
• Someone is physically 🥊 causing harm to someone … else just like the movies and you need to Die Hard your way into the situation.

The Leaders Who Yell

I have witnessed a-lot of occurrences in my own career and have heard stories from my clients about their leaders who just lose it – pretty much a full out tantrum in big girl clothes. It blows my mind that in this day-in-age that this is still happening. However let’s talk about the realities that we are facing – we are dealing with Leaders (Authoritative figures) that yell.

Okay so who are these people who are yelling? And why do they think this leadership communication tactic will be successful, or empowers their team(s) to be awesome?

In most cases these type of Leaders think their opinion or demands will come out ‘stronger,’ appear more ‘powerful‘ and their points/opinion will fore sure make their team listen if they sound ‘authoritative‘.

I am not going to try and make excuses or justify their rational for yelling being “okay” – but what I will give is my opinion (which is why you are here, and still reading).

Opinion Time – Well All the Time!

My insight into those Leaders that YELL …

These Leaders don’t know how to lead effectively and are now shitting bricks that their teams may find this out…..so they yell.

They are Leaders who are frustrated!

Yelling is their only way of handling moments of stress, confusion, frustration, and maybe (??) potentially dealing with their own failures.

In some cases when a Leader is yelling – they are not just yelling at you, they are also yelling at themselves as they “feel” they are failing. At the time I am pretty confident you are not thinking they are yelling at themselves.

Anyway you look at it – Yelling is Still Not Acceptable!

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Uh OH! YOU ARE one of the LEADERS Who Yell! 🤬

If you are one of the leaders that yells — please ask yourself WHY?

What is causing you to raise your voice? How often to rely on this tactic in communication?

When you do – did it feel good after? Did you get the results or reaction you wanted? Does your team feel more productive after?

Side Note: To be be realistic those that ‘think’ they are good / great Leaders are not reading this post right now – lol. They are perfect and don’t need any more self-reflection or coaching 🤣.

Opinion and Insight by Jen

Side Note x2: Unfortunately I find that there are a lot more women then men that yell to get their points across 🤦‍♀️. So disappointing, but of course I think maybe they were ‘taught’ to yell to communication.

Or maybe this is how their boss led in the past and it worked out very well for them.

If you are a Leader and you are looking for some ‘tips’ keep reading – I will hook you up at the end 👇.

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Impacts to the TEAM When Leaders Yell

Much like any cause and effect situations there are phases/stages that can happen to the team/staff of yelling leaders. In order of occurrence, there are 4️⃣ stages that the team may go through.

Note: I recognize that all teams and individuals are different in how they may handle stressful situations (YES THIS IS STRESSFUL…oh sorry I am type Yelling!)

Stage 1️⃣ Defensive Mode

Little do these leaders know but the moment they start raising their voice EVERYONE actually stops listening and will immediately go into defensive mode.

Defensive Mode Could Be:

Reality: As the yelling continues, or escalates defensive, strategies are formulating. Each individual will most likely abandon any teammate(s), or peer(s), and fend for themselves. Once they have their strategy locked down they “may” look to support their peers...unfortunately this is unlikely.

Stage 2️⃣ Respect = GONE

If a leader thinks this they are winning in a non-calculating points contest 🏆 for best leader of the year by looking and sounds so powerful – they are wrong – of course!

As a leader we assume that our team is looking up to us and that they idolizes us – blahahahahh absolutely not! Teams are constantly learning from the Leaders on what to do to be successful, and what NOT TO DO!!

Reality: As a leader our teams should assume we are actually on their team, playing the same game, that we have each other’s back – regardless of title or paycheque.

Stage 3️⃣ Honesty = GONE

Once a leader chooses to raise the level of their voice the team may likely advise their leader everything and anything they want to hear. The team or the individual may mentally shut down and give up. The team wants the situation to end – at any costs.

Every comment from the team or individual will be calculated and ‘safe’. They may no longer feel comfortable, vulnerable, or safe to communicate for fear of kick-back….and more yelling.

The team is no longer able to be vulnerable in front of their leader. The team may keep their distance and their emotions in check – safe. Honesty in ‘how they are really feeling’ will be unlikely.

Reality: Leaders should be creating an environment free of judgement and shame. In order to get the best out of a team a team should be able to be vulnerable – to put out their crazy, bad or amazing ideas and insights. Sometimes the silly questions are the best questions that everyone is thinking, and the honest truth on a solution is the one everyone is scared to say. If there is no trust when vulnerability is not at the table.

Stage 4️⃣ Validation

Or Inner Critic Playtime (and not the fun playtime)

Once the yelling stops, and you are sitting back at your desk or driving home, your Inner Critic will come out to play. I assume in your mind you are replaying the situation over and over – it is consuming your thoughts.

Did you miss the turn on the drive home?

Are you lost?

You are now trying Validate all that happened at work.

Was it? a) Normal or b) It is what it is. This is usually done with your Inner Critic first – and then with your co-workers, and then you bring it home and share it with your partner (or kids).

Inner Critic Dialoge / Justification:

Reality – Experiment: Track how much time you have spent thinking, discussing, sharing the Yelling at work stories.

Tip: Use your Journal or your notebook at work – it is hard to track time when it comes to your thoughts …but trust me this will blow your mind when you add up the time.

Tracking time can be done at the end of the day, or in real time – what ever works for you.

Did any of it sound familiar?

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What Can YOU Do?

Lots!

It is time to pull up your BIG GIRL panties 👖(or undies) and take some useful and productive action!

YOU DESERVE to work in an environment where you feel safe, respected and valued. Honestly – you do – we all do.

There are two possible situations you are facing in talking with your Leader:

1. This is your first time talking with them;
2. Second attempt, you have tried addressing this communication situation (and it didn’t work).

For each Scenario I am going to break down how to have the conversation with your Leader, and the follow up steps. If this situation does not relate to you – but maybe for a co-worker – please share 🙏 this article with them.

Scenario 1: First Attempt

This is the first time you are attempting an ‘intervention’ to asking your boss/leader to ‘stop yelling’.

Side Note: Yes this is SCARY! You may feel out of your element, and super awkward. All normal feelings.

You Got This! Don’t lose Hope!

Action: To keep it simple – you need to be honest and talk with your Leader! Set up a meeting – subject line “Communication”.

Tone: The tone of the conversation is about open communication – it is not about pointing fingers and talking down…you know how that feels already, so let’s not go there. Take the high road and let your Leader know how you feel about the tone and the language they are using.

Conversation Starter:

I am hoping you could have this discussion in your weekly communication/development sessions, but it is unlikely you have good communication with your boss. If these meeting are not happing – then you need to book a meeting.

Tip: DO NOT just walk into their office and starting debating or criticizing their communication tactics – they will stop listening the moment your tone raised (go figure).

“Hey Boss – Thanks for meeting with me – I appreciate your time. I would like to talk about the situation earlier today (or earlier this week) where you appeared frustrated to the point where you were yelling at me/team. I am concerned that you are very frustrated with me/team and I was hoping we could “talk” about it. Unfortunately when you start yelling I have a hard time focusing on what you are really saying. I want to be able to do good work, but I feel pretty crappy when you start raising your voice. Can we work together to make change happen?”

My hope is a good dialogue happens – but depending on your leader it could go so many ways. The point of this conversation is to vocalize your feelings, and then to document/track your conversation.

Follow Up:

Send a follow up email thanking them for their time, and outline any actions that came out of the meeting. Maybe you decided to meet more often – sweet!? If you notice a significant improvement – let them know – gold star 🌟.

If you need additional support leading up to this conversation – give me a shout.

Scenario 2: Second Attempt

Side Note: Yes this is EVEN SCARY!

You Got This! Don’t lose Hope…yet.

Action: Set up a follow up meeting with the subject line “Communication – Take 2 Follow Up”.

Tone: The tone of the conversation is still about open communication – this is a follow up conversation so there should be no mysteries on why you are there. This is a further documentation meeting. You are still taking the high road.

Conversation Starter:

Again – DO NOT just walk into their office and start talking about the yelling.

“Hey Boss – Thanks for meeting with me again. I would like to talk about the situation earlier today (or earlier this week) where you appeared frustrated to the point where you were yelling. I am concerned that you are still very frustrated with me/team and I was hoping we could “talk” about it. This situation is very similar to what we talked about before on x-date. As a reminder – when you start yelling I have hard time focusing on what you are really saying. I want to be able to do good work, but I feel pretty crappy when you start raising your voice”.

“Together can we work on a better form of communication when you feel like you need to yell to communicate? What other options do we have?”

If you feel bold enough let them know you will be reaching out to a mentor to ask for advice on how to handle the yelling.

Follow Up:

Send a second email outlining the discussion and any actions that came out of the meeting. In your closing indicate that if the yelling doesn’t stop you will need to seek guidance from a mentor on how to handle the situation as your meetings are not working to stop the yelling.

Follow Up Add On:

Find a Mentor — and if possible reach out to HR and let them know you have now had two meetings with your Leader about their yelling/communication style. Indicate in you have meeting notes and action items from the meetings. If the yelling doesn’t stop you will be re-following up with them for assistance – mediation between you and your Leader.

If you need additional support leading up to this conversation – give me a shout. I have been in this situation, and I have successfully coached individuals through poor communication and conflict with their Leaders.

You are not alone – and you are entitled to work in a safe workplace – free of yelling.

Still Not Gonna Do It!?

If you ARE NOT READY or DO NOT want to have either of these conversations, and okay to deal with the yelling, HUH? WHY??? What is holding you back from taking control of your work environment, your career and your happiness. Give me a call and let’s chat – you shouldn’t have to work / live like this.

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Leader Redemption Tactics – Suggestions – How to – Must Do

1. APOLOGIZE – In order to win back any respect as a Leader will need to apologize for your tone and form of communication. Recognize it is not acceptable.
   • Tip: Document your actions – follow up with a email about your apology, and your actions you will take to improve to gain their trust.
2. BE ACCOUNTABLE – ‘Admit’ you were wrong in the use of your tone (yelling), and will try again to improve your communicating style.
   • Tip: Ask for someone to be designated to send you a note when they ‘feel’ the tone is changing back – very vulnerable moment!
3. LEARN – Be humble and learn from the negative impacts of your actions/tone.
   • Tip: Get coaching on how to manage your emotions and tone to be more effective in your communication style.

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STOP WRITING IN CAPS – YOU ARE YELLING!

Okay friends that was a lot! Let’s wrap up this gong show of Yelling Leaders!

I hope you were able to make it to the end — if not I hope you got some gems out of this to help you. Dealing with conflict is shitty and awkward. I get it – sometimes it is just easier to ignore, deflect, turtle and pick up a paycheque.

However you are IMPORTANT. You are Valuable! And you deserve to work in an environment where yelling is done when celebrating successes or reacting to balloons popping only! Yelling should be done with good fun intentions and not to demoralize a person or a team! #sorrynotsorry

Let’s stop the yelling and get back to working hard and having fun! We owe it to ourselves.

Give me a call if you need help dealing this Conflict at work – don’t go into it alone.

All the best –

Jen

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📷: Unsplash – @brookelark, @kris_ricepees @benwhitephotography, @florianklauer