Whether it is you being negatively pushed around or harassed by a co-worker, or seeing another co-worker dealing with the office asshole or bitch or meanie, TODAY you need to take control. I want to help you STOP this negative behavior in its tracks!
You and your team(s) are entitled (and I want to even say required) to work in a healthy work environment – regardless of the industry you are in.
Throughout my own career, and with my clients, I have had the “privilege” of working with and shutting down the office bully – or bully-like behaviours. Today it is my time to share how I have made it stop!
Effectively managing through a office bully situation in the work place is not an easy task – if it was we as a society would never have to talk about it (or lose valuable sleep over it, or calling sick, or going on stress leave).
In the media we hear daily stories about tragedies about bullying in our schools – it breaks out hearts, and our children are continually getting hurt (physically and mentally).
Here’s the thing – bullying doesn’t stop when the school bell stops ringing. Bullying in our work place is becoming more and more of an issue that is not talked about enough, nor delt with effectively. Effectively = stopping.
The fear of being fired, deemed the office whiner, or perceived to be ‘not good enough for that next role’ prevent so many from doing anything to stop this toxic behavior. In addition there is the assumption – the behaviour will eventually stop, or the excuse of “I don’t have time or energy to deal with this” (turtle).
Dealing with the office bully is physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally exhausting. Bully’s are my definition of soul suckers of the worst kind. Why is this? Because they are damn SMART and they have been doing this for years (they don’t know how NOT to be and no one has stopped them…successfully).
The soul sucking types of bully’s make it near impossible to leave your work at work – the situation(s) office bullies cause will always follow you home.
Caveats – Reminders before we get started:
- Any activity that is unethical, immoral or illegal should have your Leader and HR immediately engaged. You are entitled to work in a SAFE work environment.
- Documentation is crucial to the success in dealing with your bully or bully-like behaviour. Document everything – time, date, location, and all conversations.
- Immediately engage your Leader in how you are feeling (yes feeling*) about your situation. Ask for guidance and support. Document this request.
- This will take time – be patient and be willing to be vulnerable.
The Research & Articles (How to Deal with….)
If you Google, or buy the self-help books, or search through #hashtag social media on ‘how to deal with the Office Bully’ you will first lots of similar stats on the percentages of bully activity in the work place. There are stats on what gender most vulnerable (women), that women are the worst to women, and how Leaders are the highest percentage guilty of being the actual ‘Bully’ in the workplace (headsmack!)
The numbers are not shocking to me – and won’t be to you too. We shouldn’t have to rely on numbers to support we are not alone – at any time you are being bullied you are entitled to NOT TO BE. Stats do have a place – they are good at validating you should not have to be or be witnessed to putting up with this bullshit in the workplace.
Not sure if you are being bullied – or maybe you just feel like someone ‘doesn’t like you’. Check out this website – simple list of bullying like actions …. do any of these look familiar to you?
Please – if you are being bullied, or are witnessing someone that is being bullied, in the work place… keep reading. Today is the day TO DO SOMETHING about it. Today YOU MAKE A PLAN AND TAKE ACTION!
I should warn you – not to scare you (or maybe I should)– but dealing with an office bully is never a quick fix! Bully situations can last years if you let them – and most people do. If you decide to deal with your bully – you are looking at a minimum of 6 weeks. If your office Manager, Leader or HR hasn’t effectively managed this situation to date – then yes six weeks of more of your energy is required. Trust me it will go fast – if you stick to a plan.
“71 percent of employer reactions are harmful to the workplace targets of bully behavior. ”
Your Plan
The key to success in effectively managing a bully situation is mapping out your plan – i.e. having the conversations and following up.
Your plan needs to include: Documentation, Consistency, Vulnerability, Transparency, and Engagement. If any one of these falls short during any point of your plan you may hit more roadblocks and delays. Keep these five key elements strong throughout your plan.
Summary of Plan:
- Acceptance, Plan Review, and Action
- Communication – Round One
- Follow Up / Documentation
- Communication – Round Two
- Follow Up / Documentation
- Engage Human Resources
Reminder: Throughout your plan your Leader must/should be ENGAGED on your situation, and your game plan. They must and should be a part of the plan, however in a lot of cases your Leader will leave it to you to manage the situation (I am sorry).
Step 1: Acceptance, Plan, and Action!
Acceptance of your situation is key to starting the process of handling a bully – realize this person is a SMART MF’ker. Accept that you are being bullied and/or pushed around (#sorrynotsorry – time to face it!)
Bullies are smart because they know exactly what they are doing, and they have gotten away with it for years (in most cases). All the bullies I have come across, managed, and worked with had been doing it for years….and no one stopped them.
As for you – Stop talking about it in the lunch room, or crying to yourself on the car ride home. Today YOU take control. Your energy deserves to be spent on YOU – and not them.
Plan: It is time to be realistic and face your Bully.
The Coaching – Action Pep Talk:
- Today YOU …..
- will take control of your work situation, your job, and your career.
- will not let this person ‘bully or push you around’ any more.
- are ready to put in the energy to make this behaviour stop!
- are ready to invest the time! And yes this will take time – and it is worth it!
- ARE Ready to address the behaviour / bully – (NOT next week, or the next time it happens.)
- are in CONTROL!
Okay enough with the pep talk…..
Now it is also time to get a little emotional and extremely transparent….with your bully.
Tip: Most bully’s do not like confrontation – they love to cause conflict because they are in control.
Step 2: Communication – Kicking Off Your Plan
I need you to be very transparent and vulnerable with your bully.
Being vulnerable with your bully does not mean you are weak – it means you are in control of YOU. You are trusting your intuition that what you are going through is not right, and it is time to stand up for yourself.
Next – I need you to start the conversation the bully. I need you to talk about your feelings of your own unhappiness and disappointment in your situation. This is not whining! This is a discussion of your current situation(s) where you feel you are being pushed around/disrespected/bullied. These are your facts – your story.
Finally – I need you to tell your bully to STOP.
This may end of being one of the hardest and most awkward conversation you’ll ever have. When it is done you may feel exhausted, scared and empowered – hopefully. So many emotions will roll in after – all normal.
Note: Right now as you are reading this I assume you are ready to have the ‘talk’, but I guarantee you will come up with a million excuses to put it off or delay….DON’T! Stop giving the bully validation that it is okay by not stopping this behaviour. Make Sense? I am calling you out – no more will you complain about your bully. No one is going to fix this if you don’t put in the work first.
Tip: Type/write out your plan and script a head of time. This will help with your confidence, as well make it easier when you are done the conversation to quickly move through step 3 (follow up).
This first conversation is setting the ground work – so get it all out!
Example of Conversation – Script
To start off – look them in the eyes. Take a deep breath and say any of the following:
“Chris (aka Bully) over the past x days/week/months I feel…..
- the words you use towards me are hurtful (insert example).
- the actions you are taking in the work place (insert example) make me very uncomfortable.
- very attacked by your comments and/emails (insert example).
Closing: Chris(bully) I need you to stop immediately this behaviour/activity. Your actions/words make me very uncomfortable by your actions/words. I have engaged my Leader in my concerns, and have let them know that I was going to talk to you about it.”
As a Canadian – I want to insert a whole bunch of Please and Thank You’s – but reality is you are probably past the niceties’ – they need to STOP this negative and unhelpful behaviour.
Tip: “I feel” feelings* – in reality you may not be feeling anything but anger and frustration. By talking about your feelings you are taking control of the situation. By making it about your own insight this may disarm the bully. You are working towards changing and legitimizing the perspective of the bully to yours.
Some (not all) bully’s are usually scared or uncomfortable of other people’s feelings – their number one priority is their own (not yours). You are humanizing the situation by talking about YOU – this may feel super awkward and just weird – but this is part of your strategy to achieve your goal – to STOP the negative soul sucking behaviour.
Reminders:
- When you are talking/confronting the Bully make sure you reference examples of recent situations and how you felt (your feelings).
- Provide the most recent dates of where you witnessed the bully behavior and talk about how it made ‘you feel’. (yes I just repeated feelings).
Step 3: The Follow Up (aka documentation)
Follow up with an email to your bully recapping your conversation. Quote exactly what you said to your bully. Reiterate your request for the behavior to immediately stop.
Here’s the thing (unfortunately) – this first formal’ish conversation most likely WON’T stop the behavior. It may make it go dormant for a bit (assume approx. two weeks) – but it will come back. I haven’t experienced it not not coming back.
Which takes us to the next step…..
Step 4 is triggered IMMEDIATELY when the next occurrence of the inappropriate /toxic behaviour occurs. This is where consistency comes into play.
Do not wait until the third, fourth or tenth occurrence. If you do – let me be blunt – you are feeding the bully validation on what they are doing is okay and the behavior is acceptable and/or tolerable….and it is not.
I promised you your bully will test the water and will revisit their toxic behaviour. If you do not react to ask them to stop — they will keep going! Consistency is key — each occurrence is a HARD STOP.
Another conversation is mandatory, which will require you to quote the first the conversation (including the date of your previous conversation – feel free to pull up your email recapping the first conversation).
Step 4: The official and formal SECOND communication.
Tip: I am stressing again – do not delay this talk! Rip whatever bandaid you are holding onto with your pride and gett’er done.
And YES this too will be awkward and even more uncomfortable. Again if it wasn’t we wouldn’t be in this situation.
Reminder: You have the right to a safe workplace.
Example of Second Conversation – Script:
- “I have noticed that there is still a problem (insert problem/activity). Remember on x date we talked about x problem and you said (either not a problem, or I’ll stop).
- Unfortunately I STILL feel (ugg sorry feelings are back) that we (yes we) have an issue that is making me very uncomfortable and I needed it to stop —- and it has not.
- I have tried to make this behaviour stop and I was unsuccessful in working with you to resolve it. I wanted to let you know I have re-engaged my Leader of my concerns, and my next step will be contacting HR.”
OMG I am telling you to tell your bully that you are contacting HR!!! How scary right? It is actually scary to think you may be scared to tell your bully you are contacting HR – and that you are asking for help. You should not be scared to ask for help. It is not a secret that HR supports your office…..you are entitled to reach out to them for support (I hope!)
Step 5: Follow Up (Round Two)
Pull-up your first email and forward this back to your bully with the recap of Step 4’s second-conversation. Include in the email the examples of recent activity that has caused you harm, and that you will be engaging your Leader and HR for support.
Step 6: Engage Human Resources (formally)
It is time to formally contact HR (if you haven’t already – which based on this article I have assumed you have not)!
You (and/or your Leader) have not been able to make the behaviour stop therefore HR must be engaged.
Schedule a meeting with HR, and your Leader, to review your recent meetings/conversations with your bully, provide your email communications, and request to formally ask for support in managing your bully.
HR will need to review the situation, provide some form of mediation and help support a solution to rectify the problem. In some cases, HR will provide a form for you to fill out to file your complaint (more paper work).
Note – HR may not want to get involved. They want you and/or your Leader to solve this problem without them. I am sorry – feel free to email me
I wish I could tell you that you are done – but very unlikely. There are more steps that will need to be developed / customized to your needs, but this article is way too long too keep going after engaging HR.
I am happy to help you through the above plan, and any subsequent support you may need.
My ask of you is – don’t give up….the bully is winning if you do.
I do truly believe you need a safe-side kick for this plan…one that will keep you moving forward, supporting you in your messaging and supporting yourself in making sure you don’t give up. You owe it to YOU.
Again – complaining to your co-workers or your partner is NOT solving the problem and not the right type of side-kick I am referring too.
NOW MAYBE – the problem / bully did stop after step 2, or maybe it did after step 4 – Kudos!! You did it!! Learn from this experience and stop it immediately the next time you see it again….stop the behaviour before it spreads.
In my opinion…..
Your Leader’s undocumented requirement as your Leader is to be there for you in these negative/bully-like situations — if they are not, then there is another article I need to write or for you to reach out to me for other support.
If you are a Leader reading this article – thank you.
Here’s the thing – I totally get it.
I am a Leader and Coach who had to deal with quite a few bully situations.
For you – I assume you want your priorities to be spending majority of your valuable energy / wisdom / time working with those who appreciate your engagement, feedback and support.
However the reality is you are probably only spending 20% of your energy on your priorities because team or individual “problems” suck up the 80% of your time.
I have a hint for all of you – in the cases you are spending less than 80% of your energy dealing with your priorities it is because you are NOT actually dealing with your problems on your team…again #sorrynotsorry.
I will also assume you are doing more talking/whining/huffing, and less actual work in dealing with the problem(s). Avoidance is key – right? Of course NOT!
I have seen this happen over and over….please deal with it or find help in dealing with it! You are not alone. I am also here for you too – you also need to be held accountable on moving forward in managing your problems…..avoidance is causing alot more harm to you and your team than you may realize. Your team should be looking up to you – and down at you.
If your employees (your teammates!) are being bullied – then face it so are you. The bully is winning if you are not effectively managing it.
You and your team deserve to work in an environment where they feel safe, motivated and HAPPY!! #Bullyfree
What’s your bully story? I encourage you to share with me your story, your struggle and your plan to ‘deal’ with your negative situation. It is okay to ask for help – even if you have tried before and its wasn’t successful – maybe this time it will be. Drop me an email – jen@blankslatecoaching.ca
Let’s starting working together and help YOU move forward.
Photo Credits – Unsplash: Glenn Carstens-Peters, rawpixel , rawpixel, rawpixel, Anh Nguyen, Sydney Sims
Bullying Examples – Provided by the Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety.
One Comment
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#antibullyday – repost 💕