Time to Change the Conversation – Making the Awkward into a Learning Opportunity
“Act Nicely Around Men”
“Don’t directly confront men in meetings, because men perceive this as threatening”
“Women’s brains absorb information like pancakes“
Today we are tackling how to take those awkward and uncomfortable moments at work, inappropriate training session, or a frustrating article you read, and turn them into a conversation worth having! It is time to change the conversation from the negative (and potentially whiney) to ‘what the hell are WE going to do about it’ conversation.
Insight
So what were your first thoughts when you read these comments above? Must be a Joke? For sure from the1920’s? You made them up Jen!
That’s what I thought at first – these can’t be legit. Oh how naive I was.
I would like to assume that if you are male or female those ‘comments’ are not appropriate nor acceptable in the business world today. The choice of wording is awkward, uncomfortable, out of date and just ‘weird’….and dumbass! This type of conversation is just not right – right? Please agree.
Reality of 2018 (and today)
Unfortunately in 2018 a group of Professionals in a well-respected prominent firm decided they needed to coach / train female Senior Leaders over 1.5 days how to act around their co-workers – specifically men. The assumed purpose was to “empower” the women to reduce their own innocently caused distractions — and oddly enough to align with the “me too” movement.
Would it also surprise you to hear that some of the women that participated in this coaching loved the training? One women in particular believed it was “the most impactful leadership program that ‘she’ have had the opportunity to participate in and ‘have’ always been incredibly proud and humbled to have been a part of it,” EY senior executive Stacey M.
This was news on Oct 21 – 2019 – the interest lasted about 2 minutes, a small headline lost in the clutter of the daily news.
Negative News
The negative news (not fake news) in the corporate world can spur many good and bad conversations. But a lot of the time they can cause distractions, frustrations and reduce productivity. No worries – the bad or disappointing news quickly disappears into the clutter of our day only to be replaced by the next topic or drama. Back to work Friends! The good stories rarely make the news – or the office cooler discussions.
However what if we have news that worth continuing to talk about?
What if you don’t want to stop the conversation? What if you don’t want the story/article to disappear into the clutter of your work day? What if we want to make you/me/her/him awkward and talk about opinions and the changes that need to happen because of the news?
…..women often “speak briefly” and “often ramble and miss the point” in meetings. By comparison, a man will “speak at length ― because he really believes in his idea.” Women don’t interrupt effectively like men. Women “wait their turn (that never comes) and raise their hands.”
Huff Post
It is not too often that I will get fired up – but damn this did it for me.
FlashBack: When I first started in my ‘big girl job’ it wasn’t uncommon for our VP to talk directly to your boobs. I didn’t have any boobs worth attention so I wasn’t too privileged to have many of these eye to eye-to-boob conversations – so I witnessed them over and over again. I actually felt #shame that I didn’t get the same attention – WTF I know. Did I think this was wrong at the time – hell yes! BUT I was new, I was young, and I wanted to be noticed…but didn’t have the ‘assets’ to be noticed 🙁 .
Starting the Conversation
When I see the articles like this I flashback to my own experiences – specifically that aligned with the story. I have tons – most women do. However for most of us – at the time the ‘situation’ was happening we didn’t blink (or wink) an eye at it – it was the norm. It was acceptable – and hell that was only 10-15 years ago!
Of course we were frustrated – but who was going to listen or do anything? Most in authority were men. Most women in authority didn’t want to rock any boat. And for HR – well she was so old school that I was threaten “to find another opportunity if I didn’t like the way things were done around here.” So really – who did we have to turn to?
“Back in the day” we did not start or participate in the Conversation.
Today – I feel (i am very naive) things have changed and we all (men and women) have more of a voice than ever before….which means we need to start using it more….we need to have the conversations, and change the conversations.
The amount of shaming is reducing – but alas no it is not gone. I still feel it today when I get feedback from some women – and men. Yes women can do the shame dance too – that’s another story for another day.
What Can I / we/ Do About it NOW?
Back to the article – What can I/we really do or support when those articles or situations that piss us off about the lack of change?
Firstly – We need to talk about it!
Just by talking about it we are making a difference, and hopefully a change. By talking we are educating the naive about what is still happening and empower those who need to stand up for themselves. We need to change the conversation from the ‘negative’ to ‘what are we going to do about it’.
Second – We are allowed or need to challenge the awkwardness!
This is not about burning bras – but if your bra is feeling awkward, tight, and uncomfortable consider this your spidey sense and take a step back. What is happening that is making me uncomfortable?
Think – It is what happening okay? Would I be okay if my children (or nieces) were in the room? Would this situation make a good headline in the news? Do you think the Human Rights committee would approve?
Lace – don’t get me started!
Yes I know ‘my children’ – but seriously if you think about it – it may change your perspective of interpretation of a situation or a conversation that is taking place.
Third – Fuck the Judgement
The fear of judgement or shame is real – I get it…and yes I have been there. I am still there today.
Even writing about this – I will be judged, but like my first and second point – we need to talk about it….we need to call out the awkwardness and the unethical behaviour that is / may be happening in our workplaces.
And no it should not be political suicide to challenge the ‘boob stare’ or call out the comments about ‘now that you have kids and probably want…..’ statements.
We owe it to ourselves to open our eyes a little bit wider and talk about things that make us feel uncomfortable.
Flashback: “Welcome back to work Jen. Congrats on Baby J. Sooooo now that you are back I assume you will be wanting to work less hours (p.s. I worked like 55-60hrs/week normally). Are you thinking that you would consider a demotion – take on less responsibilities?”
How to Start the Conversation
Starting the conversation so no easy feat – remember these conversation starters are because the situation is awkward, uncomfortable and yucky. You are putting yourself, potentially your career (hopefully not), and your vulnerability on display.
Every person and situation will be different on how to start the conversations. For this article I wanted to share with you (related to this story of women being coached to not distract) on how I personally tried to start and change the conversation. Heads up – I failed‘ish.
Facebook Group
I tested out my conversation starting in a closed Facebook group that I am part of. The group is 100% entrepreneurs and mostly women – from all over the world. Pretty good and safe audience right?
I picked this group to test out my conversation starting skills as I assumed some of these women would have experienced what the article referenced – or had witnessed.
The response was immediate – they were frustrated, angry, and blown away that this shit could be still happening. But then it happened – the comments turned to loss hope and defeat. The conversation was not going well – it was boarder line bitch-fest. Which I had anticipated.
- Go Figure – this happens all the time
- Not surprised
- My company just ‘allowed’ us to stop having to wear skirts to work
- It will never change
- It is what it is
- Typical.
The negativity and lost hope is not what I was aiming for – I wanted the group to relate, but not give up. I wanted to see if anyone would try and ‘change the conversation’ to ‘what could and would we do about it.’
No conversations were starting — Insert the Conversation Change!
The Conversation Change
I didn’t give up – this is where I could change the conversation – and hopefully lead by example.
For every comment of lost hope or frustration I added my own comment of moving forward. I commented about ‘changing the conversation’ and ’empowering those to raise concern when they ‘feel’ something isn’t right’. I encourage the group that it is ‘our responsibility to challenge the unethical behaviour and out of date discussions’. Again – I am not preaching to ‘Burn our Bras’ – I am preaching to speak up when situations don’t feel right.
Most individuals returned my comments with positive feedback and some hope. My purpose was to share the story (educate) and change the conversation. Success – Right?
My post was taken down by the admin later that night – it was too political.
How Can YOU Change the Conversation!
When we find these situations/moments of frustration we need to find the light in them….what can we take away from these moments of frustration and lost hope?
- What Did We Learn?
- How can we prevent this from happening in our own environment
- What can I Do to foster change?
- How do we change the conversation when this is happening?
The Wrap Up
Today we got a little deep – okay alot deep – and made you feel a bit uncomfortable. That’s the point — we need to challenge the awkwardness. A healthy work environment is where you can feel safe, respected and can be honest in your daily activities – and discussions.
Find a leader or mentor that you can have these conversations about. You might not be ready to start a movement, but having the conversations will help move you and your team forward. If the team isn’t ready to make the change don’t let that hold you back from your own change.
Jen –
Need Support?
If you are in a situation that you NEED to have the conversation but not sure where to start this is where I can help. Hiring a business coach is not just for up’ing your business or your career – a Coach can help you navigate through conflict and change effectively. The sounding board of a Coach is what you may need. I can provide you strategies to reduce the awkwardness and hold you accountable to your own change!
Let’s chat – Drop me an email and let’s work together.
Articles That Caught My Eye and Sparked The Conversation
- Huff Post – Women At Ernst & Young Instructed On How To Dress, Act Nicely Around Men
- People – Women at Ernst & Young Were Told How to Dress and Act Around Men in Now-Canceled Workshop: Report
Side Note / Judgement Moment: Yes there are worse stories out there of war, abuse and awful things that happen in the world. These articles resonated with my area of business focus and my message that I am trying to get across. It is unfortunately that I have to write about the bad to get to the good stuff. The purpose of my business is to focus on Business, career and leadership development – in whatever form it comes in.
📷 Credit: Canva Photos, Unsplash – @charlesdeluvio, @nate_dumlao, @youxventures, @youxventures
