My name is Jennifer (Jen) Leslie and I was a “People Pleaser”. Let’s be honest – I was a ‘Professional People Pleaser (PPP)’!
Talking about being a People Pleaser can be very vulnerable. I don’t know many people that will want ‘others’ to know about this quality about themselves…or maybe they do?
The judgers in your life may assume a People pleaser sounds like a push-over, the friend that just wants to be accepted, and maybe a little bit desperate?
As much as I do NOT agree of the judgers out there – I have heard it first hand …and sadly I did feel all of the above.
What I have come to learn about myself is I really do LOVE 💕 LOVE to help people. I choose to help where and when I want – not just because. I believe time is the most valuable gift I have to give….so I’ll spend it where I want. Helping is time with my tribes. But I have to continually monitor the balance of people pleaser and friend.
My perspective in spending my time has changed as I have gotten older – which has been a part of my own evolution out of Professional People Pleaser. My time is no longer just doing the task, or saying I agree, but it is being invested with someone in the activity and actively participating in the discussion.
Now let’s’ get uncomfortable together and talk about Professional People Pleasers, how to recognize the signs, and how to better support those people pleasers in your life.
Enjoy –
Jen
Cavet: Coaches are not perfect. Perfect is boring – just sayin’. I use my own experiences in life and business to help others.
#sorrynotsorry
Breaking down the Characteristics of a Professional People Pleaser
What’s the baggage that Comes with People Pleasing?
There are so many beautifully shitty qualities (aka baggage) of a People Pleaser – so to keep it simple people pleasing in itself is a full time job.
The most common is People Pleasers will constantly seek out opportunities to ‘help out’. We genuinely want to do the work, we want to be ‘that’ person for you. We want to help…….please let us 🙏 (sorta).
But with the pleasing also comes the secret desire to seek out constant approval. We don’t want physical praise or recognition, we just want to “feel” that you to approve of us.
Why Approval?
People Pleasers tend to need constant validation that we are ‘people pleasing’ to the level of acceptability you may (or may not) expect. We hope we did such a good job in making you happy you keep us around (insert eye roll 🤦♀️….ugg).
When it comes to Acceptability this is the most exhausting quality of a professional ‘people pleaser’ is the ongoing desire to be accepted. If we are not accepted, then we may feel that we must work harder at pleasing…of course! This could be both personally or professional – example – working longer hours at work, baking more than asked for at the bake sale or giving up remaining free time to help install a deck.
Professional People Pleasers Want:
- Approval
- To be busy
- Desperately want to help
- You to want us 🎶
- For you To like us
- You To accept us
- We assume we could do more
- You To accept us
- For you To like us
- You to want us 🎶
- Desperately want to help
- To be busy
Bonus Quality: People Pleasers tend to be Overly Sensitive (Go figure)
Side Note: Those that seek out approval constantly read into everything – it a mental game show…it never ends and they never win. They assume they are intentionally left out, they assume that there is something they could do more of to please you, they assume the worse.
Recap – My name is Jen Leslie and I was:
- A Professional People Pleaser
- Constantly Seeking out Approval
- Desperate to be Accepted
- Always assuming the worse
Want to Be Friends?
Who wouldn’t want to be friends with a People Pleaser!!!??
Not a bad decision – You are a guaranteed sidekick who will always be there for you, someone who is willing to take your side at all times, and will go to the ends of earth for you….sounds delightful right? Or Boring? Or Exhausting?
Having a ‘yes person’ could get tiring – for both parties.
There needs to be balance! Friendships are a two way street – friendship is not one doing all the work, and the other watching it happen. There is a time and place for people pleasing….but NOT. ALL. THE. TIME.
The People Pleasers In Your Life
As much as you think you want “people pleasers” in your life you probably already have a few in your tribe.
How to spot them? Look for the exhausted friend who is the first to offer help, and the last to leave the party. Or the friend that always agrees with you, and never challenges you.
We all need balance, and that balance includes having a friendship full of support and challenges….not just saying yes all the time. We all need to hear different opinions, be up for a challenge, survive the disagreements, continue the discussion, and throw in solid ‘hard no’ every so often.
Side Note: People pleasers have a very hard time asking for help, and accepting help.
Go Figure!
How to Embrace Your People Pleaser?
Okay so how do you be a supportive friend without fuelling or scaring off the professionalist people pleaser?
Well this is a tough one because my advice is pretty simple….continue to be their friend, be kind, be transparent and be honest. Take note of the balance in your friendship and watch the body language (watch for negative assumptions fueling their insecurities).
It would be easier to make the list of ‘do not’ but in my head that sounds way to negative, so let’s go with the ‘to dos’ with your People Pleasing Friends:
- Be vulnerable ‘together’.
- Encourage ‘no thank you’ when you see a pattern of too many ‘yes’.
- Let them help, but work together.
- Encourage opinions, and accept opinions.
- Fact find together (help manage their assumptions).
- Gently call them out when are ‘too much’ – and don’t be a dick (sorry one don’t).
Reminder: The Professional Pleasers can be overly sensitive.
Summary – What to Take Away from this Blog 🤔
If You are the Professional People Pleaser
I know you and I get it💕.
Here’s the thing – you can be a better friend if you listen to your intuition and say ‘no’ when you want to say no. Your friends will still be there. They love you – they are not in your friendship for the ‘benefits’, okay maybe a little but they should be getting equal benefits back from you.
Be honest with your Friends – tell them that you ‘feel’ that you are ‘professional people pleaser’ and why you feel this way. Ask them to ‘help you’ to get past your assumptions and desire to be wanted…constantly. Let them in, and let them support you. Maybe even share this article ??
If You have a People Pleaser Friend/Family
I know you too – and I want you to look for the signs of a Professional People Pleaser in your life. Now – grab your ‘people pleasing’ friend and give them a massive huge hug. Tell them you have appreciated all they have done, but it is time to slow down. Take time for you my friend. It is okay to say no. And YES it is okay to have an opinion. AND Finally it is okay to not always be there.
Tell them you appreciate them as your friend, and you are grateful for them being in your life.
Finally – assume the assumptions and shut them down. How? Be more honest, and more transparent. I know sounds kinda weird – but it is what the professional people pleaser needs….more communication (not less).
Okay Friends that’s a wrap – I am Jen Leslie and I am a recovering Professional People Pleaser.
I will fall off the wagon, and jump back on. It will happen but I will gain and lose friends along the way – and that will feel really shitty and ugly….but I gotta work on putting me first.
I am forever grateful for my friends that have called me out with their love and support. You girls did a great job!
The best way to help others is to put yourself first…go figure.
Jen
The Sales Pitch / How Can Coaching Help You?
If you have a friend that can’t say no – talk with them. And if that doesn’t work (or go well) – point them in my direction. Using a third party is okay to delegate the hard conversations with. Or the three of us can all work together! More fun with friends?
If you are the Professional People Pleaser (PPP) – it is time to stop (or slow down at least). Let’s chat and find out why you are the self-designated pleaser. Together we will find the balance of pleaser and friend. It will feel awkward at first, but I promise you it will get easier. You deserve to put more focus on you…you are worth the investment.
Photo Credit: All images from unsplash.com – @kalljet, @kchance8, @priscilladupreez, @danedeaner, @clarissemeyer
